


This Strange Feeling

by CanineKitten



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, canon compliant up till chapter 699, narusasu is endgame, the naruhina is in the background
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-22
Updated: 2017-10-28
Packaged: 2019-01-21 07:46:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12452820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CanineKitten/pseuds/CanineKitten
Summary: After Sasuke comes back to Konoha dormant feelings rise to the surface and the relationship between Sasuke and Naruto gets complicated...





	1. A Sake Fueled Dream

**Author's Note:**

> To soothe my canon SNS needs...

 

At first Sasuke hadn't understood what was happening to him. When he came back to the village after the war, he had been feeling strange around Naruto. He forgot what he was supposed to say when he talked to him, he felt embarrassed and insecure around him. And because of this, he started avoiding him.

 

One day he ran into Naruto at the market. The guy had absolutely no sense of social etiquette. He just talked on. It didn't matter if Sasuke answered or not. He only needed to give a noncommittal hum and Naruto would happily plod on. Sasuke hoped to shake him off when he was done with his grocery shopping. He had already gotten most of what he needed. Maybe he should just excuse himself with once.

But before he could do that, Naruto had suddenly invited him to a gathering.

"I'm meeting the guys tonight at the barbecue place that Chouji likes, you know the one right? Do you want to come?"

Sasuke didn't even need to think about it. He already knew the answer.

"No," he said bluntly.

Naruto was not deterred.

Of course he wasn't.

"C'mon, it'll be fun! When was the last time you got out anyway?"

“Naruto,” Sasuke bit out through his teeth.

"Please?" Naruto batted his eyelashes. Sasuke wondered if Naruto was aware of what he was doing to him. "Pretty please?"

Sasuke sighed. "Fine."

He felt like biting his own, treacherous tongue.

"Great!" Naruto slapped Sasuke's shoulder. "See you at seven!"

He left Sasuke standing there. At least he got rid of him, Sasuke thought numbly. But at what price...

                                                               

Sasuke couldn't believe he was doing this. He was actually going out with Naruto and his half-witted bunch of friends. Sasuke did not consider them his friends, although Naruto seemed to. Sasuke knew they hated him. He had no wish to befriend them again anyway. But now he was willingly going out there, putting himself in a vulnerable position, in a setting he knew he hated... Just for Naruto.

If he hadn't considered what his feelings for his friend meant before, then he certainly questioned it now. But not for long until he shoved the thought away. It was not something he wanted to think about or even consider. It was useless to think about. Absurd.

He threw the tenth shirt that he'd been trying down on the floor. His closet was emptied and his clothes were strewn all over his room. People seemed to peg him as a neat freak, but he had no idea why. He hated cleaning up. It was only in his profession that he was neat, because it was necessary. In private he took pleasure in being exactly as messy as he wished to.

He sighed and started going through his clothes again. He had to wear something, but nothing seemed good enough. Finally he settled on a black shirt that showed a little collar. He looked at himself in the mirror. The eyes he met there always made him want to look away, but this time he didn't. He tentatively brushed his bangs away from his eyes. His hair was getting long. Maybe that wasn't a bad thing. Eventually it would hide his rinnegan. He didn't like to look at himself. The eyes he met were the  cold eyes of someone who had seen too much. Someone who had experienced too much grief. Looking at himself in the mirror made him want to crush it into tiny pieces, grind it into dust so that he never needed to see his reflection again. All he ever saw in that reflection, was his dead family... And most of all, he saw his brother. So perfectly replicated in his look. The cold eyes of a killer. They were not so different when it came down to it. They were both cursed. Everything they touched turned to dust. Sasuke's hand fisted tightly. He turned away.

 

The barbecue restaurant got distinctly hushed the second he entered it. He ignored the curious glances and whispers as he made his way over to the most rowdy gang in the room. They had apparently been drinking for a while already. Well... the clock was half past nine. Sasuke was more than fashionably late.

"Hey, bastard!"

A loud voice boomed across the restaurant. Sasuke considered turning tail then and there, but his pride wouldn't allow it. He forced his feet to move him forward.

Naruto got up from the table and met Sasuke halfway. He swayed slightly. Before Sasuke understood what was coming, Naruto had enveloped him in a firm hug.

"I thought you wouldn't come," he whispered against Sasuke's ear with surprisingly much emotion. Then he grabbed Sasuke's arm and pulled him towards the table, where ten of Naruto’s closest friends were assembled.

"You're sitting here, with me," Naruto professed. "Make room, Sai!"

Sasuke was unceremoniously pushed down on the seat next to Naruto. He noticed that everyone was staring. The silence was palpable. Naruto did not seem to notice. He launched into conversation and soon the room was buzzing with voices again.

Naruto ordered more food for everyone.

"It's on me," he said when Sasuke tried to order for himself. "I just finished a pretty good mission," he said, patting his pocket.

At the mention of missions, Sasuke felt a twinge of regret. He had been banned from regular shinobi duty. He could understand why, but it didn't lessen the blow. It was a way to punish him for defecting. It was a mild punishment considering most missing nin were killed. 

Naruto asked Sasuke what he'd want to drink, and ordered the same for himself. They shared a bottle of sake. Sasuke knew that the second he started drinking he would have trouble stopping. The way the alcohol soothed him and took the edge of his feelings were too tempting to resist. Everything around him dulled to a pleasant buzz. He was even able to tolerate the incessant comments from that annoying replacement, Sai. He noticed Sakura looking at him from across the table, but she was too far away to speak to him. He was thankful. He had no idea what to say to her. He was barely able to look her in the eyes. Whenever he did, he only saw disappointment and sorrow.

He turned to Naruto. Just watching him talk and laugh, so full of life and vitality, was enough to take Sasuke out of the depressing groove of his negative thoughts. Just being in Naruto's vicinity made Sasuke calmer, more content with just existing. Naruto refilled their glasses and ordered a new bottle of sake. Their gazes met and Naruto smiled so softly that for a second Sasuke forgot where they were. All he felt was the warmth in that gaze. He looked down at the table, where their hands were placed close next to each other. Naruto's had moved as if to touch his, but at the last second he seemed to change his mind and grabbed his glass in stead. Sasuke suddenly felt a longing so strong that it almost made him dizzy. He absently rubbed his chest. He felt hollow, somehow. Aching... he needed more sake. His hand was shaking as he poured himself a glass. How much had he been drinking? Was this the second bottle? Or the third? He felt so hot all of a sudden.

He rubbed his neck and considered going out to get some air. He looked at Naruto and caught him staring at his chest. Naruto didn't notice that he had been caught at first. He looked almost distracted, the tip of his tongue darting out to wet his lips. When he saw that Sasuke was looking at him, he became flustered and hurried to turn towards Kiba, who was sitting on his other side. Sasuke suddenly felt bold. He slipped his hand under the table. He rested it on his own knee first. Then he casually moved it closer to Naruto. He shifted his leg so that it came closer to Naruto's. They were closer than he anticipated, so his knee brushed Naruto's. He froze, afraid he'd pushed it too far. But Naruto didn't seem to mind. He didn't move his leg away. Instead he casually placed his hand in his thigh. As he talked to someone else, his hand moved closer to Sasuke's. Sasuke could feel their knuckles brush. Naruto's hand stayed in place, and so did Sasuke's. He had to fight to catch his breath. So close... was it coincidence? But then Naruto moved his fingers slightly so they rubbed against Sasuke's, and then he moved his whole hand, slowly, finger by finger, over Sasuke's.

Sasuke's heart was threatening to hammer its way out of his chest. He closed his eyes briefly. He wished to, but refrained from pinching himself to see if he would wake up. This was surely a dream. It did feel like one. A fluttery, giddy dream fueled on sake.

 

They left together like it was the most natural thing in the world. They were two of the last ones to leave. They lived in opposite directions, but no one seemed to take notice of the fact that Sasuke left in the direction of Naruto's home. The entire walk back to Naruto's apartment was conducted in silence. When they reached the park, Sasuke discreetly looked around to see if they were alone, before interlocking his fingers with Naruto's. They held hands the whole way back to Naruto's apartment. They held hands even while Naruto fumbled with his keys to open the door. They didn't let go even when they were inside in the darkness of Naruto's apartment. Naruto led Sasuke to the living room, and there they stood indecisively, looking at each other. Sasuke knew what he wanted, but he hesitated. Naruto studied his face like he was searching for something.

He moved a step closer. Sasuke felt like his knees turned to jelly. He closed his eyes, awaiting the kiss. It came more gently than he had expected. It was barely a brush of chapped lips against his mouth. He leant forward when Naruto pulled back, and caught his lips with his. He held his hand against the back of Naruto's head to pull him closer. They both held their breath. Sasuke was not prepared for the softness of Naruto's lips. They felt like pillows, wonderfully soft pillows. He wanted to... he wanted... He pressed closer to Naruto. Delved deeper into the kiss. He felt Naruto wrap around him and press his mouth over Sasuke's. There was tongue, grazing the sensitive flesh inside his mouth. Sasuke heard the soft moan before he realized it had come from him. Before he could get self conscious about it, Naruto pulled him even closer. He wrapped his arms tight around him, one of his hands supporting the back of his head.

Somehow they managed to stagger backwards towards the bedroom. Naruto's mouth had started wandering. He had no finesse, but his eagerness more than made up for it. Each kiss was more intense than the next, and they all seemed to set Sasuke's nerve endings on fire. Sasuke had no idea it could feel this good to be kissed. When Naruto's lips brushed his earlobe, his knees nearly buckled. He made Naruto moan just from the pleasure of finding the spots that made Sasuke feel good. He nearly attacked Sasuke's earlobe with his lips and small nips of his teeth.

Naruto's bedroom floor was so littered with heaps of clothes and Sasuke didn't know what else, that when he backed into the room he immediately stumbled over something and pulled Naruto with him down on the floor. They both groaned at the impact, especially Sasuke who got Naruto over him.

But then Naruto started kissing him again, and Sasuke forgot about the discomfort.

Naruto started to grind against him. The air left Sasuke's lungs in a choked groan. He tried to catch his breath, but with Naruto's mouth sealed over his it was impossible. He groaned somewhere deep in his chest, an undiluted sound of desire.

It was incredible what his moans seemed to do to Naruto. He got even more excited and his kisses got more demanding. The whole length of his lean, hard body pressed firmly against Sasuke's.

Sasuke threw his head back with a choked gasp when Naruto's hips ground down just right.

"Sasuke..." Naruto groaned. How had his voice suddenly become so deep? Sasuke felt an intense warmth pool low in his belly. He gasped when Naruto's attention to his lips relocated to his neck. He felt shaky. He didn't have control over the situation, or his body, and Naruto was just plowing on like a tanks. It was overwhelming as well as good. He feebly pressed his hand to Naruto's chest.

"Naruto," he gasped, but it only served to encourage him.

Sasuke moaned as he came hard and unexpected. Naruto stilled. He was breathing hard and hovering over Sasuke.

Sasuke groaned. Naruto's whole body was weighting down on him.

Then Naruto caressed Sasuke's cheek. It was unexpected. After a moment of hesitation, Sasuke placed his hand over Naruto's. Naruto leaned down and pressed his lips to Sasuke's in a warm kiss.

 

 


	2. Reality Check

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *hides in a corner* I'm sorry. This turned really angsty. (I promise it'll get better.)

 

Sasuke woke with a splitting headache. The room was too bright. It was also not his room. Lastly, he was not alone in the bed. A warm body was nestled close to him, and a strong arm was thrown over his chest. He felt a cold, sinking feeling in his stomach. He had never woken up in bed with someone before, especially not with little recollection of the night before. He was frozen in place. He didn't dare look at the person next to him. He felt cold from head to toe. Anxiety hit him with a force. What happened yesterday? If only he could remember... Everything was fuzzy... He finally dared throw a glance on the arm thrown over him. It was a tan, strong arm. Not a woman’s arm. He breathed out a sigh of relief. He realized he had feared it would be one of the women who had always preyed on him... If it had been Ino or Sakura the consequences could have become ugly. But then it meant that the person next to him was a man... and not just any man. How many of the people he knew had skin this tan? 

His heart threatened to leap out of his chest as he slowly reached up and pulled the sheet away from the face of the person next to him. He felt a twinge of something... fear, or excitement… he didn’t know… Naruto looked good in his sleep. His hair was tousled and his lips were parted. He let out a small snore. Sasuke started remembering now. How they held hands. How they kissed... He couldn't believe that all that really happened. 

Some parts of the memory were still foggy, but he remembered well how Naruto's hand had snuck into his under the table. He hesitantly laced his fingers with Naruto's atop the sheet. Naruto slept so deeply that he didn't even twitch. Was this what he wanted? He looked at Naruto's face again just as his lashes fluttered open. He looked at Sasuke quietly for a second with a sort of vacant expression that made it look like he was still asleep. But then his eyes widened.

"Sasuke? What are...?" 

His voice was gravely. He cleared his throat. 

"What are you doing here?" 

Sasuke hurried to let go of him before he noticed their interlaced fingers. He sat up and scooted to the edge of the bed. ... Where were his clothes? 

"What happened last night?" Naruto asked. He sounded terrified. "Did we...?" 

"No," Sasuke bit out. "Don't be ridiculous." 

His face was aflame. He turned away from Naruto. 

"Then why are we naked?!" 

Rising panic. 

"I don't know!" 

Where were those goddamned clothes?? If they weren't sharing a sheet he could have packed it around himself. His clothes had to be on the floor somewhere. It was just so much clutter everywhere... 

"Sasuke, man... I really like you, but not this much." 

Was that 'man' thrown in really necessary? It was only slightly better than 'bro'. And did Naruto honestly not remember yesterday? Didn't he remember how desperately he had needed Sasuke? How eager he had been… how he’d moaned Sasuke's name... Sasuke finally found his pants and pulled them on.

"Nothing happened," Sasuke said while he searched for his shirt. 

"If you remember that, then how come you don't remember how we ended up here together?" 

Naruto picked up a boxer from a heap on the floor. 

"I..." 

Sasuke pulled his shirt over his head. He had no idea where his boxers were. He just wanted to get out of there. 

"I just know. Why would anything happen between us?" 

He met Naruto's gaze head on. 

Naruto blushed. 

He shrugged. 

"I guess you're right. It would be absurd". 

He chuckled. 

"I've got to go," Sasuke said. 

He turned away from Naruto before his mask slipped. 

 

The next couple of days seemed like the longest in Sasuke's life. He barely got out of bed. Instead he just lay there and stared up at the roof and tried to forget how it had felt to hold Naruto's hand. How it had felt to kiss him. He rolled over onto his side. He wasn't supposed to think of that. He wished he had been as fortunate as Naruto to forget the whole thing. It would have been a blessing. 

On the third day he got up and ate a tomato. It tasted like gravel. 

 

Sakura was the first one who reached out to him. Sasuke wouldn't admit even to himself how disappointed he was that Naruto didn't come to see him even once. He was one of the very few real friends he had in Konoha, and now that he was confined in that accursed village with nothing to do, he really needed the few friends he could get. 

The first time Sakura visited, she brought cookies. She did not know that Sasuke didn't like cookies, or really anything sweet, and Sasuke was not in the mood to let her down gently. He wasn't in the mood to let her into the house either. So it was a surprise to him that she came back a few days later, this time bringing a bento. It was so nicely made, and Sasuke felt kinda guilty about being so mean to her the first time, so he invited her in. They had absolutely nothing to talk about. Sakura prattled on about the life in the village, which mostly consisted of stories about people Sasuke had no interest in. He listened with only half an ear until she mentioned Naruto. 

"Wait," he interrupted her. "Say what?" 

Sakura brightened up now that she had his attention. 

"Naruto is dating Hinata. Isn't it great?" 

She continued on about how she always wished for Naruto to find himself someone nice, and that Hinata had had a crush on him since forever, and that they were such a cute couple. 

"Do you honestly think this interests me?" Sasuke said, anger making him blunt. 

Sakura looked taken aback. 

"But..." she giggled nervously. "I just thought..." 

"I'm sorry," Sasuke said. 

He was really tired of saying sorry to her. 

"You need to leave." 

He thanked her for the bento and walked her out. Then he closed the door firmly and sank down against it, his hand covering his silent scream. 

 

It had taken Naruto eight days to find himself a girlfriend after... the incident. Sasuke did not think it was a coincidence. Was Naruto trying to prove something? Was this a message to Sasuke? A way to show how infinitesimally little their drunken night together had meant? A way to say that 'Hey, although we woke up naked in bed together, I'M TOTALLY STRAIGHT LOOK HOW STRAIGHT I AM'? 

Either way, it was working. 

It was working really fucking well. 

 

Sakura never seemed to give up. She continued coming over with little offerings of food. Sasuke wondered if he needed to tell her, again, that the fact that he let her in had nothing to do with attraction. He was still not in love with her and he never would be. He guessed she hoped to wriggle her way into his heart with the help of food. Maybe it was unethical of him to say yes to her, then, but he was tired of mentally wrestling with her and he really needed a friend. 

"Sakura," he said one day, interrupting her mid speech. 

He had been thinking of something entirely else while she talked. 

"Do you consider us friends?" 

Sakura looked puzzled at first but then she smiled. 

"Yes, of course Sasuke-kun!" 

"So... You don't expect something more from me?" 

"Um... Like what?" 

"Like..." he shrugged. "I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm not in love with you, and I never will be. But I treasure our friendship." 

Sakura's cheeks turned bright red. She stared down at her hands. It took a second for Sasuke to realize that she was on the verge of tears. 

"I'm sorry," Sasuke said. Again with the apologizing... "But I don't want you to get the wrong idea." 

"Sasuke..." Sakura said at long last. 

No honorific. 

It was a start. 

"Do you know... Do you know how much I've..." 

She hurried to dry her eyes on the sleeve of her jacket. 

"How much I've invested in these feelings for you? How long I've felt this way?"  

Sasuke felt trepidation for what was to come. 

"No," he said hesitantly. 

She shook her head. 

"It's a ridiculous amount. Even now... after all that's happened... I still can't stop hoping. I know it's ridiculous. But then you show me a little kindness, and I start hoping again." 

Her eyes were red and puffy. The whole situation was making Sasuke uncomfortable. 

"I'm sorry," she muttered. "I'm sitting here, crying my eyes out..." she fiddled with the empty bento box. 

"I should..." She stood. "I should go." 

 

The days blurred together. Sasuke didn't know if it had been a few days or a week since he last saw Sakura. He was convinced he'd lost another friend. He should start to keep count. Two down, three more to go. Did Kakashi count? He wasn’t entirely sure about it. He hadn't talked to him since the day he got back, and then it was only formal. He knew he had disappointed his former sensei. He had broken one of his most sacred rules. "Those who abandon their friends are even worse than trash." 

Still... Sasuke realized he missed him a bit. He missed his old team, no matter how annoying they'd been back in the days. He grieved the person he could have been if hatred hadn’t consumed him. He wondered what his life would have been like right now if he never left. Such useless thoughts. It was just a dream, all of it. Sooner or later he had to wake up. 

 

"Sakura... What a surprise." 

Sakura smiled timidly. She held up a bag off food. 

"May I come in?" 

"I've been thinking a lot about me and you lately," she said after they'd gotten seated in the kitchen with a cup of warm tea. 

"And I realize I've been childish. I'm too old to throw temper tantrums when I don't get my way. I know that you... that you spend a lot of time alone, and it worries me. I don't want a broken heart to get between our friendship, so..." she shrugged. 

Then she smiled. One of the few really genuine smile she had ever directed at him. 

"I think I became a better person from it too." She chuckled. "Thank you." 

Sasuke was taken aback. He felt warmed by her words. 

"That's a first," he said. 

"No one's ever said 'thank you' to you?" 

"I guess I haven't deserved it." 

They talked about this and that for a while. It was a relief to finally not have to listen to her incessant babble. She actually allowed for periods of quiet. 

"I know this is gonna sound weird," Sakura said before she left, "But do you want to go to the spring-festival with me?" She blushed. "As friends, naturally. I just want to take you somewhere. You're always coped up here." 

Sasuke realized he wouldn't mind. 

 

Sasuke thought about what Sakura had said, and he realized he had been childish too in regard to Naruto. A broken heart shouldn't get in the way of their friendship either. He decided he should be the bigger man and fix things between them. It didn't matter if Naruto felt the same way or not. He couldn't force him into feeling the same way as Sasuke did. 

This lead Sasuke to admit that yes... he was in love with Naruto. He had known for some time, but he had never dared to give the feeling a name. It had become a nameless void in him that somehow repelled him. He had refused to look at it, instead letting it grow until it was all he could identify with. It became him. But now he could see clearly. He could see that he was fooling himself. That he was letting himself hurt for reasons he couldn't fathom if he looked closely at them. He would fix it, no matter what. He would make things right again. 

 

The evening of the festival had started out nicely. He had expected to meet Naruto and the rest of his friends, so he was prepared for it. Naruto was not. He became flustered. He seemed not to know what to say to Sasuke. He talked mostly to Sakura although he addressed the both of them. Sasuke said little. Hinata was there too. She hung off Naruto's arm like a piece of accessorize. It was apparent that she had no plans of letting go anytime soon. Sasuke had hoped he could get Naruto alone for long enough to talk to him, but that proved difficult. 

Finally, after innumerable boring games and an unhealthy amount of sweets, Sakura went to find a restroom and Hinata went with her. Sasuke and Naruto went to get a seat at a restaurant. 

"I'm glad you and Sakura found together," Naruto said after a long while of awkward silence. 

"We're not dating," Sasuke said. "We're just friends." 

"Oh!" 

Was it just his imagination, or did Naruto brighten up a bit? No, it wasn't imagined. Naruto seemed to have shrugged ten pounds off his shoulders. He talked more vigor and easiness. Sasuke found that they slipped easily into the comfort of each other’s company. Even when the girls rejoined them, they kept the easy tone. The restaurant they chose served sake with the food. Although Naruto was hesitant to order it at first, he succumbed when the girls talked him into it. Or... Sakura talked him into it. Hinata just blushed. 

They had been talking and drinking for a good hour when Sasuke noticed Sakura looking at him. She motioned for him to follow her outside. 

"I just need some air," she said. 

Sasuke looked over his shoulder to where Naruto and Hinata sat by the table quietly sipping their sake. 

"What do you want?" He asked. 

He had no interest in standing out there while Sakura fanned herself. 

She smiled at him. 

"Oh, nothing... I just..." she put her fan to her lips. "I... um... I noticed something today that I... Well, I guess I didn't want to see it before..." 

Sasuke sighed. 

"And does it have anything to do with me?" 

"As a matter of fact, it does." 

Sakura gave him a strict look. 

Sasuke felt a little amused to have her more decisive mood directed at him. 

She took a deep breath. 

"You and Naruto, huh?" 

Sasuke immediately got suspicious. 

"What about us?" 

She shrugged. 

"You've got... something... a chemistry... I've always known that, of course, but I just didn't know that you loved him." 

Sasuke felt his heart drop to his stomach. He stared at her in shock for a long moment before he managed to reign in his emotions. 

"I don't know what you-" he started, but she interrupted him. 

"Oh, please don't insult me." 

Her cheeks were red now. 

"It took me a lot to mention this, but I just couldn't sit there and..." she shook her head. "Watching you look at him like that? Like he's the whole world to you? I just couldn't take it, knowing you've probably given up on him already." 

"Why wouldn't I?" Sasuke said quietly. "He's got a girlfriend. How much more obvious can it get?"

"That's why I'm talking to you now," she snapped. 

The sake must be making her bold. She never talked to him like that otherwise. 

"I've been watching the both of you, and I can see that Naruto is the same way around you as you’re around him. He only has eyes for you when you're in the room. It's pathetic," she shook her head. "You're so on your knees for each other and no one has noticed? Not even the two of you? This is why I'm interfering. I wouldn't have felt it was my place to say this to you if I hadn't felt that you needed a push." 

Her eyes softened. 

"I can't stand to see you hurt like this." 

He looked down at his feet. 

"It doesn't matter anyway," he said. "He's got a girlfriend now." 

"About that..." 

Sakura threw a glance into the restaurant. Naruto was saying something to Hinata who was blushing and looking down at her hands. 

Naruto looked mildly exasperated. 

"It's a farce," Sakura said. "You've got to save him. I like Hinata, but she really isn't the right person for Naruto. They have absolutely no chemistry." 

 

When they got back into the restaurant Sakura ordered more sake. Only five minutes later, she yawned and looked at the clock. 

"Oh my! Is it so late already? I've got an early shift tomorrow." 

She stood and looked at Hinata. 

"You look tired. I can walk you home if you want? We don't need to disturb the boys and make them walk us home when the night is still young." 

Sasuke refrained from pointing out that they were goddamned ninja capable of holding their own. Hinata stood. 

"T-Thank you Sakura, o-of course, I wouldn't want to be a bother." 

Naruto stood too. "What's the point of us staying back when you're leaving?" 

Sakura gave him a look that could crush stone. Sasuke appreciated for a second the fact that the two of them never started dating. Sakura would've had the poor boy completely whipped. 

"Don't you two have a lot to catch up on?" Sakura said. "For calling yourselves friends you spend an awful little amount of time together." 

She'd hit bull’s eye on Naruto's conscience. He sat down again immediately. Both he and Sasuke knew that they'd been avoiding each other for too long. Sakura led Hinata out of the establishment, winking at Sasuke as she left. Naruto poured himself more sake. They lapsed into silence. 

"Tell me honestly," Sasuke finally said. "Do you really not remember anything from that night?" 

Naruto choked on his sake. Sasuke patted his back as he nearly coughed up his lung. 

"Goddammit," Naruto hissed. "Why are you springing that on me?" 

"Isn't that why you've been avoiding me?" 

"I haven't... I've just been busy, that's all." 

"For three weeks?" 

"I've been on a lot of missions, okay?" 

"You had the time to find a girlfriend." 

"... That's different." 

"Is it?" Sasuke couldn't keep the bitterness out of his voice. 

"Yes, of course it is." 

To Sasuke those words felt like a punch in the gut. Maybe it was what compelled him to say what he said next, or maybe it was the sake talking. Either way, the words were out before he could stop them. 

"I lied when I told you nothing happened between us that night. Something did happen." 

Naruto went sickeningly pale. His fingers closed shakily around his sake cup. 

"You kissed me," Sasuke said. "Don't you remember that?" 

Naruto avoided looking at Sasuke. He muttered something. 

"What was that?" 

Naruto swallowed. "I'm not gay." 

Sasuke snorted. "And I'm a kitty." 

Naruto's hand curled into a fist. 

"I'm not!" Then he looked away petulantly. "I'm not." 

"If it's any consolation," Sasuke said, "Sakura supports it." 

"I told you, I'm not gay!" Naruto snapped. 

Sasuke sat back. He crossed his arms. 

"Okay. Fine." 

The conversation stilled after that. Naruto sipped from his sake. 

"I remember," he said. "But it means nothing." 

Sasuke found it was useless to argue. 

"I was drunk," Naruto said, as though he felt like he needed to explain. "And so were you. Neither of us really wanted it." 

"Don't speak for me," Sasuke said. "Do you remember holding my hand?" 

Naruto blushed. "... Yeah..." 

"Does that seem like something you'd do if you didn't want to?" 

"I don't know what came over me... I guess I just wanted to be close to someone. I'd been feeling a bit lonely, but then I started dating Hinata and I realized what I'd been missing." 

Sasuke slammed his fist on the table so hard that the couple on the neighboring table turned and stared. 

"Stop lying to yourself!" He growled. "Stop lying to me!" 

"I'm not-" 

"Just stop it," Sasuke snarled. 

He stood and swayed slightly before he strode out, leaving Naruto stunned in his wake.

 

 


	3. Rock Bottom

 

It was a small consolation for Sasuke that he had Sakura there to despair together with him. At first she was livid. She wanted to go straight over to Naruto and knock some sense into him, but Sasuke stopped her. It was no sense in forcing someone to feel something. He knew that all too well.

"But I can't believe that he's telling the truth."

"He seems to believe in it, so it is the truth to him."

It was no use in telling someone they were wrong about their own feelings. How could he presume to know what Naruto was feeling anyway?

"Just forget about it," Sasuke said. "It's his decision."

Sakura looked saddened.

"I hate to see you hurt," she said.

It touched Sasuke more deeply than any of her love confessions.

 

He grew closer to Sakura over the next month. She visited almost every day. If there hadn't been zero chemistry between them, he might have considered starting something else with her. He knew she still wanted it. He'd caught her giving him long, wistful looks at times. But she kept in line and he was thankful for it. She seemed to appreciate the fact that he wanted to stay friends.

She seldom mentioned Naruto, but she talked about him at times when something big happened in his life.

That’s how Sasuke knew that Naruto still was dating Hinata and that he'd just started his jounin training, but he knew little else.

If he ran into Naruto at the market or elsewhere in town he turned his back on him and pretended he hadn't seen him. If Naruto noticed him then he made no effort to approach him. Sasuke told himself he was relieved, but mostly he was disappointed. So this was all he meant to Naruto? He apparently wasn't much else than a rag that could be thrown away when it had made its use.

So much for that friendship.

Sometimes, when the bitterness welled up in him and threatened to choke him, he wondered why Naruto had even bothered with making Sasuke come back to the village. Apparently it wasn't because he cared about Sasuke. If he'd done that, then surely he'd be more eager to keep the contact. In Sasuke's opinion, Naruto wanted him back only to prove that he could.

A small voice inside him told him that Naruto wasn't the type to do that, but when he was really vindictive he refused to listen to it. He believed Naruto wanted to see him hurt. That he and Hinata laughed at him behind his back.

On those nights, if he got his hands on some sake, he was insufferable. Sakura had told him many times.

"You've got to stop doing this," she said. "You've got to stop torturing yourself."

Like he had a choice in the matter.

 

The sake burned down his throat. It was the cheapest type. It tasted like cat piss. Probably.

Sasuke swayed. He stood in front of his mirror. He looked thin and frail. His skin was pale, bordering on translucent. He couldn't remember the last time he'd been outside. His eyes stung and his head hurt. Sakura was on a mission. She'd be gone for at least a week. Maybe longer.

He shrugged off his shirt.

Naruto would never hit that, he realized. Not even if he was one hundred percent gay. His collarbones were poking out like the knobby branches of a tree. When had he gotten this skinny? To be honest, he couldn't remember the last time he had a decent meal... he actually wasn't entirely sure if Sakura had been away for only a week either. Maybe it was two? What day did she leave?

... More importantly, what day was it today?

He felt tired. So tired. The bottle had somehow become empty. There were more empty bottles strewn around him.

So... tired. He collapsed onto the nearest soft surface and fell asleep.

 

Gentle, warm hands brushed the hair away from his brow. They lingered on his temple, caressed his cheekbone, then they were gone. Sasuke protested weakly. God, his head was aching. It felt like it was threatening to blow to smithereens.

"Are you thirsty? Do you want some water?"

Sasuke felt a hand on his cheek again, and then the edge of a cool glass was pressed against his lips. He turned away.

"You need to drink," Naruto pleaded.

... Naruto?

What was he doing here? Was this a dream? The surprise made Sasuke open his mouth, and some water seeped in. He swallowed it. His throat felt parched and the water was soothing. He drank some more.

"Do you have a headache?" Naruto said. "Do you want painkillers?"

Sasuke groaned. He just felt sick. He realized he was gonna throw up. He sat up, but it was a bad idea. Pain shot up his neck and exploded in his head. He doubled over and retched onto the floor.

Right in front of Naruto. Oh god... why? Why did Naruto have to visit today of all days? Why did he have to see him like this?

"Go away," he mumbled.

"I can't leave you like this."

Naruto touched Sasuke's shoulder. Sasuke twisted out of his grip.

"Leave!"

"No!"

There were a few moments of quiet. When Naruto touched him again, Sasuke allowed it. He let Naruto help him to his feet and lead him to the bathroom. He leant on the sink while Naruto started the shower. It was an old thing that took ages to heat up. Meanwhile, Sasuke vomited again, this time into the toilet. Naruto rubbed his back while he heaved. When he finally was empty and just sunk down next to the toilet, hugging the bowl, Naruto got a washcloth and wiped the sweat from his brow.

"Please leave," Sasuke whispered.

"No," Naruto repeated. "I'm not leaving you here to choke on your own vomit."

"I'll manage."

Naruto snorted. "Then get in the shower on your own."

Sasuke tried to move his body, but his muscles protested and the room swam.

"I'll just... sit here for a bit."

Naruto grabbed him and hoisted him up to his feet.

"Lean here." He placed Sasuke's hand on the edge of the sink. Then he reached around him and started unbuttoning his pants.

"What are you doing?" Sasuke hissed.

"Don't get modest on me," Naruto said, his voice tight. "It's nothing I haven't seen in the bathhouse."

"The last time we were in a bathhouse together, we were twelve."

Sasuke didn't really have the energy to argue. His pants and boxers were slipped off, and he shakily stepped out of them. Then he let Naruto lead him to the shower and sunk down on the floor. The hot water that beat down on his head felt like a small relief, but after a while he felt better.

He sat there until the water turned lukewarm. There was a knock on the door.

"Just checking that you're alive," Naruto said. "I don't know what you like to eat when you’re hung-over, but I made eggs and bacon since that always works for me..."

Sasuke groaned. He felt sick just at the mention of food.

"Naruto," he growled. "Get out."

 

Naruto wolfed down the food while Sasuke sipped on a cup of green tea. He was starting to feel a bit better.

"If I had known this was how you lived, I would have visited you sooner," Naruto said after he was done eating.

"Why did you bother?" Sasuke said.

Naruto ignored the sharp tone. "Since Sakura was going away for so long, I figured I'd drop by to keep you company."

"How gracious if you."

"Sasuke... Sakura never outright says it, but I sense that she's worried about you."

Sasuke set his cup down on the table with a slam. "And why does it matter to you? Don't you have a girlfriend to waste your time on?"

"... I broke up with Hinata."

Sasuke felt only remotely placated. He was still mad.

"I see," he said. "So that's why I'm suddenly good enough."

Naruto stared down at his plate.

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

"Come again?"

Naruto swallowed. “I’m sorry,” he said louder. “I treated you like shit,” he added. “And I’m sorry.”

Sasuke just sipped his tea quietly. Naruto clenched his hands.

“Sasuke…” he said. His voice was soft, but underneath it was strung tight with despair. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. The last thing I want to do is to hurt _you_. I… I lo…”

Naruto opened and closed his mouth, but the words seemed stuck. He looked down at his hands that lay useless at the tabletop.

Again the silence settled over them, thick and heavy.

Sasuke set his cup down with a soft clink.

“I like you a lot, Sasuke,” Naruto said. “A lot… The relationships I have with other people seems bleak in comparison. But I’m scared too.”

He reached out across the table. Although he didn’t touch Sasuke, his hand hovered close to his like he wanted to.

“Scared of what?” Sasuke’s voice was almost a whisper. His heart fluttered and he felt weak, like he often did when Naruto was so close to him.

“I don’t know,” Naruto whispered. His gaze was directed inward. He looked pained. “I guess… I’m afraid of people knowing.”

“… Knowing what?”

Naruto drew back his hand. He closed his eyes briefly, as though hiding a bad memory.

“Knowing that I’m like this. That I’m…”

He trailed off.

Sasuke had a feeling he knew what Naruto was trying to say. Personally, he’d never had a problem with his sexuality. He’d never questioned it, nor thought much about it. It had just always been there, a part of himself that he had gotten used to and come to find as natural as breathing. But he’d never spoken to anyone about it, so there had never been the issue of worrying about what others might think.

He didn’t care much about what others thought.

But Naruto did.

To him it was important that others liked him.

“I get it,” Sasuke said. “You don’t need to explain it.”

Naruto looked grateful.

He reached out again, and this time he touched Sasuke. The palm of his hand closed gently around Sasuke’s wrist. His hand lingered. Sasuke felt his gaze on him but for some reason he couldn’t meet his eyes. He felt Naruto come closer. Goosebumps broke out over his skin. He closed his eyes. He barely dared hoping… Naruto’s hand touched his chin tenderly, hesitantly, and Sasuke turned towards him and accepted the soft, moist kiss. He drew in a shivery breath.

That night when they got so drunk he hadn’t really taken in how it felt to kiss Naruto. It had happened too fast. But now… Now it overwhelmed him. It took his breath away, despite the fact that the kiss was hesitant and uncertain. It lasted too shortly. Sasuke was left with parted lips and closed eyes as Naruto pulled away. He didn’t want him to stop. He leant closer, his eyes open a smidgen.

Naruto willingly met him halfway.

“You’re so… different…” Naruto murmured when they broke apart again.

Sasuke frowned. “What do you mean?”

“Just that… You’re just…” Naruto caressed Sasuke’s cheek. “I like it,” he murmured. “You’re not fighting me…”

“You thought I would?”

“I don’t know… I just… Yeah, I guess…”

Sasuke stroked Naruto’s cheek with the back of his hand. “This is different,” he murmured. He pecked Naruto on the lips. It turned into a lingering kiss. Naruto held him close when Sasuke tried to pull away.

“It’s definitely different,” he murmured against Sasuke’s lips. “Good different. Very good.”

Sasuke let Naruto guide him into a series of lingering, deep kisses. He lost track of time. All he knew was that he didn’t want it to end. He could forget whom he was when he was with Naruto. Forget about all his troubles for a while. Just being with him made a different side of him come forth… a side of himself that he usually suppressed. A vulnerable, needy side.

Somehow they ended up on the floor, with their heads on one of the pillows placed around the low table. Naruto caressed Sasuke’s face. He moved the tips of his fingers almost reverently from Sasuke’s right cheekbone to his brow and down along his nose to his lips. Sasuke just watched him and wondered if this was really happening, even as he was watching it happening. Naruto just smiled. 

 

They fell asleep and woke up again at dusk. Naruto was wrapped around Sasuke like a very insistent blanket. Sasuke was so warm he thought he’d melt, but he didn’t move out of Naruto’s grip. He traced one finger along Naruto’s lax mouth. It seemed surreal and yet completely natural that he’d kissed him… for real, not just by accident or in a drunken haze. No, it had been for real. Naruto had wanted it. He was still here.

But… He was still asleep. What if he changed his mind when he woke up, like the last time? It was an irrational fear, but it grew in Sasuke all the same till he was convinced that Naruto would leave the second he woke up. He waited with baited breath for his eyes to open and widen in shock when he remembered what they had done. One part of him wanted to get away so that he didn’t have to watch that happen, but another part of him was terrified to move.

He hated feeling like this. His affection for Naruto was starting to run his life. It was making him weak and indecisive. And still, he craved that feeling more than he craved life itself.

Slowly, Naruto’s eyes opened. He blinked and rubbed his eyes, and then he yawned.

“Is it evening already?”

Sasuke lay completely still. He was still waiting for the realization.

Naruto looked at him and smiled softly. That was when Sasuke knew. It hadn’t all been a dream. It was true. Naruto really wanted this. Wanted him.

He leant closer and kissed Naruto.

Naruto made a startled sound at first, but then he enveloped Sasuke in a tight hug and kissed him back.

“Did you think I was gonna leave?” Naruto whispered when Sasuke broke the kiss.

Sasuke didn’t say anything. He didn’t move away from Naruto’s chest either.

Naruto ran his fingers through Sasuke’s hair.

“Don’t worry,” he whispered. “I’ve got you.”

Sasuke closed his eyes and allowed himself to relax. It was the first time since after he came back to Konoha that he finally felt something settle inside him. Something that had been wild and lonely and desperate. He buried his face against Naruto’s neck and breathed in.

He realized how much he’d missed Naruto for this last year.

“Why did you leave me?” he whispered.

Naruto held him tighter.

“I’m sorry.” His voice shook a little. “I… I was afraid too.”

Sasuke pressed his cheek against Naruto’s chest. He listened to the steady beat of his heart till it felt like it beat in time with his own. He kissed his collarbone.

“I just want to sleep. Will you stay with me?”

Naruto nodded.

 

They laid down in Sasuke’s bed. Naruto held Sasuke’s hand during the whole night, and the next morning he was still there. He was watching Sasuke when he opened his eyes.

“Sleep well?”

Sasuke yawned. He’d slept the whole night through. That was… unusual…

Naruto reached out and, after a moment of hesitation, touched Sasuke’s cheek.

“Sasuke,” he said. “I was wondering… Do you want to leave?”

Sasuke frowned. “Leave?”

Naruto nodded. “Get away from the town. With me?”

For a second Sasuke wondered if Naruto was playing with him. “I can’t leave,” he bit out.

“But if you could… Would you leave with me?”

“What is this about, Naruto?” Sasuke sat up. “Do _you_ want to leave Konoha?”

Naruto sat up too. “Not without you,” he said. “I’ve been thinking… And I thought that maybe… Maybe it would be good for you to get out of town for a bit.”

There was nothing Sasuke would have liked more than that. But the council was apparently afraid he’d go back to his old ways if he so much as set a foot outside of Konoha, so he had been restricted from leaving the town.

“I talked to Kakashi,” Naruto said. “And he said he would be able to let you leave if I went with you.”

Sasuke realized that Naruto really had thought a lot about this. He stared down at the space between them. He didn’t know how to accept this kindness.

“So…” Naruto sounded hesitant now. “Do you want to? I mean… Is it okay, even if I have to come with you?”

Sasuke shook his head with a snort.

“Of course,” he said. He tried to hide how moved he was, but he knew he failed. “Of course I would like to leave with you.”

Naruto’s smile slowly grew until the corners of his eyes were crinkling.

“Then let’s leave, Sasuke. Let’s get away from this place.”  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was planning for some more smut in this story, but it had other plans... I'm wondering if I should add another chapter, but we'll see. For now I leave it off here ^^


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